Weight Loss Surgery?

Today is a new day. Yesterday was rough for me. I was feeling pretty down and ready to just give up on this whole weight loss journey and accept the reality that I'm a "fit fat girl" and that's probably all I'll ever be unless I get gastric bypass. The thought of having weight loss surgery has crossed my mind several times but friends would always talk me out of it. They say things to me like "that's the lazy way out", or "you don't need that", or "just work harder".

And that's easy for them to say because when they look in the mirror and see themselves they don't see what I see when I look at myself. Now I realize that I've come a long way and I could be heavier but it really sucks to put your best foot forward and still come up short every time. To be honest, the only reason I haven't gotten the surgery is because I was holding out hope that I would have another baby. I'll be 30 in November (Lord willing) and would sorta like to wrap up the baby making business by then. I have a 13 year old daughter and a 6 year old son so I don't think I need to space these kids out any further than I'm already doing. Otherwise, I'll be one of those grandparents with babies that are younger than their grandchildren. I know I shouldn't judge but I find it kinda tacky.

Thoughts of having weight loss surgery have resurfaced now that the baby ideas are pretty much out of the window. I've been doing a lot of research on the procedure and the idea of having to take pills everyday afterward is my new biggest deterrent. UGH! Where is the "magic pill" that makes healthy food taste like your favorite bad foods? I'm so waiting for one that can make cauliflower taste like cake. Yes, I'm 29 years old and can't swallow a pill to save my life (or my figure).

I  know several people who have had the surgery and gained all of their weight back. I'm not quite sure how or why you would go through all that to return to your old weight and heavier. But hey, who am I to judge? Then there is the issue of hanging skin or expensive, elective surgery to have it removed. But then there are those that had the surgery, kept the weight off, came off medications and are happy they decided to go through with the process. I would hope that if I did talk myself and husband into me having the surgery that I would be in the latter group and use surgery as a tool and not a crutch.

I haven't given up my "old fashioned" weight loss efforts. I'm just bouncing the surgery idea around a bit. I've been putting off finishing up week 5 of my C25K running program. I'm a little intimidated at the thought of running 20min without stopping. I'm not sure why because I used to do it everyday when I had a treadmill at home. I've been having bad pains throughout my body. I was going to hold off on working out until after my appointment tomorrow but I figured one little workout won't do too much more damage if any. I'm just looking forward to finishing week 5 up so I can go back to my running/walking intervals.

There's been a lot going on lately so I probably need the 20min run to clear my mind. I know I've been in a bit of a funk lately. This too shall pass. I decided that this is my blog. It's not doing me any good to be pretentious. Do I like this journey? Yes, but it gets hard sometimes. If I can post the good, I can post the bad as well. Hopefully, one day (soon) I'll look back on these bad days and laugh.

A Peice of My Mind....

Poor Pity me:

"I'm depressed. There I've said it. I feel selfish to feel so down. I have a wonderful family, a pretty decent job and good health. So what the heck gives me the right to feel depressed because I can't stop stuffing my big fat mouth? There are plenty people in this world that don't have enough to eat, let alone eat just because they are bored. But here I am blessed beyond measure and all I can seem to do is complain? I ought to be ashamed of myself."

Bitchy me:

"Girl, if you don't pull yourself up by your bootstraps, find some motivation and do what you need to do to get where you want to be than you deserve to feel down. Get over yourself. You didn't become morbidly obese overnight and you damn sure won't see the 100's overnight and your diet is SO not helping you get there. You can run on the treadmill until you turn blue in the face but if you keep taking in more calories than your expending, you'll always be round".

Am I the only one that has these conversations with themselves? I feel crazy for even asking. Sure other people get frustrated with themselves and go back and forth rationalizing wrongs and giving themselves pep-talks but I think I may take it to another level. I just can't understand why I can't seem to get it right. Just reading this as I'm typing it I can see that what I need is "balance".


Balance has always been an issue with me. I started this blog in hopes that I would stay motivated and it would keep me accountable to myself and whomever I should meet out there in blog-land. Well, at first I was blogging everyday and even twice per day. But somehow that got down to me being lucky if I was even blogging once a week. See what I mean? Balance, I need balance.


I have some really good food days where I stick to the script and eat only meats and veggies. I don't mind working out. In fact, I love it. At times, I can work out everyday and follow the diet but as soon as I have one slip up, I'm back to the races. My binges are usually followed with severe guilt and promises to myself that I'll get it together, I'll change, I'll stay away from people, places and things that drive me to eat. But....

Wait a minute... I sound like a damn "foodaholic". Then again, I guess that's what I am. How can things that taste so good to me be so bad for me? Why is it that others can eat whatever they want and gain nothing yet, I have one weekend where I have two normal dinners and all of my handwork for the week is undone. Why me???
     
But then I hear a voice that asks, "why not you?" Why can't I get through this? I know I haven't been the best Christian lately BUT one thing I know for sure is that ALL things are truly possible through Christ. My prayer is that I will earnestly, wholeheartedly bring Him into this journey and in fact, ask Him to lead me. I can't do this alone. I'm very unsuccessful like a fat hamster running fast as she can on a wheel but only managing to go in circles (literally and metaphorically, LOL). Seriously though, I don't want to seek the Lord on a regular basis just for this but I do believe He's allowed me to fail so miserably at this to call to my attention to the fact that I can't do anything without him.


I get the point, Lord but please help your fat child down here.


I know this post is all over the place. I had no idea where I was going with it when I started. My vow renewal is October 18th (a little over a month away) and I am only 4 lbs closer to my 30lb weight loss goal. I'm considering going back to the weight loss doctor and taking his crazy appetite suppressants just to look good in my dress but there may not even be enough time for that. I lost 14lbs in 2 weeks before without exercise so imagine what I could do running on top of that.

I'm not too sure about making it to the gym today. I've been having really bad body aches. It started in my knees and radiated to my back, legs, wrists ankles and even my eyeballs hurt. I've been really tired and just weak. I'm sort of thinking its more of a matter of me being stressed about this journey than it is of me hurting myself with all the impact of running. But I have a Dr's. appointment on Thursday so I'll let her tell me what's wrong with me and steer clear of Web MD. Regardless of how I feel, I'll be back in the gym tomorrow as I haven't been there since Friday and NEED to get at least 3 runs in per week to prepare for the 5K (October 2nd). If I'm feeling up to it, I'll try to knock out level 2 of Jillian Michael's "30 Day Shred" but I'm not making myself any promises. 

I'm depressed. I shouldn't be. Everyone has their struggles. I know its okay to feel however I feel but I don't want to allow these feelings to consume me so much that they become physical ailments. I have to make some choices and some changes or October 18th will come and I'll look like a whale on my beach wedding...


Thanks for listening....

C25K - Week 5, Day 1 & 2

I started week 5 of the Couch to 5K program yesterday. I was terrified at the thought of the three intervals of 5 minute runs. Everything seemed to be getting in the way. My new sports bra was too big so "The Twins" didn't have the support they needed. (That was a first considering most sports bras are too small for my DD's). Anyway, the Pandora application on my cell phone was not cooperating and there wasn't anything good on the TV in front of my treadmill. I wanted to quit even before I started. I'm glad I didn't.

As I progress in the program, I'm discovering that there is "freedom" in the longer periods of running because I'm in less of a rush to check the time, distance or speed on the treadmill. I know I have a lot to do so I'm able to just take it in stride and enjoy it. I'm also happy to report that I maintained my usual slow running speed of 4MPH throughout the workout. I'm planning on increasing this once I get my stamina together.

I got my last run in before Hurricane Irene on Friday evening. I was supposed to go back to the gym today but I just don't feel like it. Rather than push myself and not perform as well as I should, I'm going to take another day off. I'll be back at it tomorrow (hopefully). I think the real reason why I'm procrastinating is the thought of the 20min straight that I have to run without any breaks. Pray for me yall.... I can say that the program has built my confidence to the point where I know that I can do the run and the only person stopping me is me.

I haven't lost any more weight but I do feel that I may be loosing inches. Therefore, I've decided to do the 30 Day Shred 4 days a week and run the other 3 or something like that. I'm not sure...

Day 2 was murder! I had to run 8 min. intervals this time. I'm really looking forward to the 3rd and final run of week 5. That's when I have to do the 20min straight. If I get through that, I know I'll be able to get through 60min. of straight running and I should be able to do my 5K in 45min. (I know, it's not a high goal but its huge for me. LOL)

C25K Week 4 - Complete

"That's not sweat. It's your fat cells crying".

I read that statement today and loved it! I thought I'd share it with you all out in Blog World. My fat cells must've really been sad yesterday. I decided to do my full hour of cardio on the treadmill. Aside from the fact that I got there in time for the start of Law & Order, I ended up on a treadmill next to a really nice and inspirational couple that lost 160lbs between the two of them in the last 3 months. Needless to say, I was very interested in what they had to share. They both brought pictures of their "fat selves" with them and placed them over top of the display as they walked. I think that's a cool reminder of why they should continue walking. I may have to borrow that idea. LOL

Back to the run... Week 4 was tough but well worth it. I grew confidence being able to run the 3 and 5 min. sprints without stopping. I also noticed that the 30 min. goes a lot quicker when you're running intervals are longer. I'm still finishing up at just around 2 miles in 30 min but I know that will improve once time goes on. I could probably do a lot better if I'd completely quit smoking. I'm down to 2-3 cigarettes per day now so that's a start. (Hey, don't judge me. LOL).

After the run I decided to do the "Hills" program on the treadmill. I finished up in just under 4 miles in 60min. Not too bad but I hope to do more tomorrow. I decided to take a day off today to get some rest, sleep and relaxation done. I've been feeling really disappointed lately as I don't see how I'm going to be able to loose much weight before October 16th but reason with myself that at least I'm becoming more fit so it's worth it and every little bit counts.

I'm still in the race hanging in there. I'm working hard and doing my best to make my "fat cells cry" every chance I get.

C25K - Week 4, Day 1

Hi Everyone... I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been really busy. I'm still going to the gym and trying my best to get a handle on my eating habits. I've been doing pretty well with that lately too. In fact, I'm probably going to have a pre-wiegh-in this weekend before we take my mother out to dinner for her birthday and then again on Monday to see if my one meal of bliss negatively affects me.

The Couch to 5K program starts out pretty slowly and progressively builds your stamina and confidence. I think that's why this program is so successful. I believe that a person could definitely go from being a couch potato to running a 5K (or 30 min. non-stop) if they follow the program.  And if the program advances too fast for you, you could always repeat a week until you're ready to move on.

Week 4, Day 1 - was the first day that I had to literally force myself to keep going. The recovery periods are short and the running periods are much longer than the 1min spurts in the beginning. This week, we have to run in 3 and 5 min. intervals with very short recovery periods. I generally try to get on a treadmill near a runner in hopes that their energy will be contagious. LOL

The program also encourages trainees not to skip ahead or run everyday. You know me... I'm hard headed so I like to knock out my 3 workouts back to back. I would love to finish this 5K in 30-40 min. So I'm trying to build the stamina now and then spend the rest of my time working on speed. I'm up to jogging at a 4.0 on the treadmill but see I need to go a lot faster than that to run a 10min mile. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. By this time next week, I'd like to at least run a 14min mile which would be a huge improvement from my 16 minute "molasses mile" I run now.

I typically spend an hour per day in the gym 4 days per week. I do the run and then walk on high incline as fast as I can (without holding) on for 15 min. The other 15 minutes are usually spent on the random treadmill cycle, the arc machine or the elliptical. It really all depends on what's still hurting when I finish the run. SMH...

Oh yeah, I made huge progress on Wednesday. I did 2 miles on the treadmill and then did 6 miles on the bike - all within 60 minutes. I couldn't believe my eyes. So yall know my new found goal is 10 miles now, right? LOL

Weigh In :(

Sometimes I wish I didn't post this blog to my Facebook Wall. There's a lot of things I would love to write about..... Let me rephrase that: there are a lot of people I would like to write about but out of respect for them, I'm not going to go there. Maybe I'll start another blog and only let a select few know it exists. ha ha ha (in my evil villain voice). I know... I know. That's not nice but that's how I feel right now.

Now back to the regularly scheduled blog program

I changed "my week" to begin on Mondays. I weighed in this morning and I wasn't happy at all. The Wii reflected a +2 weight increase. I've been busting my tail. I expected to see a -2 if anything. No way did I expect to gain. Everyone (including my 12 year old daughter) keeps telling me that the Wii's are often off so I'll probably wander off at some point today and weigh myself on one of the scales in our medical office.

Lastly, my husband decided to help out more with the kids so that I could go to the gym for an hour everyday after work. Woohoo!!! Nice, right? So let's see how many consecutive days I can actually do this C25K and how well I'll make out.

Sometimes You Need a Little Push...

Deciding to start getting fit and living a healthier lifestyle is not easy. It's not easy to drag your butt out of bed, run on a treadmill, do a workout video, go for a run or even deny yourself your favorite foods in order to reach your goal. Sometimes the journey becomes boring. You loose hope. You think there's no point and at times you feel like no one else values your struggles. But every once in a while along the journey, you come across a passerby that gives you a little nudge to keep pressing forward.

My sister challenged me to join her in a 5K for breast cancer. The run is on October 2nd so I have (had) exactly 10 weeks to complete the 9 week program and get running. I'll have to admit I'm excited and scared at the same time. The furthest I've ever run non-stop was 1.5 miles but I wouldn't exactly call that running. It was more of a jog. So, instead of doing my old routine which was running until I felt that I was about to pass out, I decided to try the Couch to 5K running program.

The C25K program is super easy to follow and makes running a 5K seem totally doable even in less than the amount of time the program calls for. So I've decided to repeat week one which consists of alternating walking 90 sec. with running 60 sec. I felt like I was going to nearly pass out on the treadmill. I'm thinking that I may need to give running outdoors another shot. All it took was a couple of bad shin splints for me and that was it. I vowed to only run on a treadmill unless it was race day. But I think I may be pushing myself a little too hard on the treadmill focusing on calories burned, speed and time. I'm thinking I may need to just use the C25K app (which I downloaded for my phone from the Droid Market) and just run and not worry about the numbers.  The program will time you and blow a whistle when its time to alternate.I also concluded that it may be time to quit my secret cigarette habit.  Smoking+obesity+running = disaster. Don't judge me... (smh).


Oh, I'm still doing Insanity too. I got a little bored with it so I decided to run 3 days and do Insanity for 3 days. That way I shouldn't get too tired of either for a little while. I am a little worried about the toll the two will take on my knees.


I've also decided to change my "my week". I'm finding it difficult to switch my meal plans and exercise routines up on Tuesdays so I'm going to start "my week" off on Mondays. Last week's weigh in reaped a total of 1lb lost.


I'm not pleased but a pound lost is better than a pound gained any day. So I'll take that. I'll work harder next week and hope that the running combined with Insanity will reap better results. I'm thinking of switching to My version of the Atkins Diet for the next two weeks and see if I can't loose 7 pounds to reach an even 210. We'll see. God, I wish I didn't bore so quickly.