A Peice of My Mind....

Poor Pity me:

"I'm depressed. There I've said it. I feel selfish to feel so down. I have a wonderful family, a pretty decent job and good health. So what the heck gives me the right to feel depressed because I can't stop stuffing my big fat mouth? There are plenty people in this world that don't have enough to eat, let alone eat just because they are bored. But here I am blessed beyond measure and all I can seem to do is complain? I ought to be ashamed of myself."

Bitchy me:

"Girl, if you don't pull yourself up by your bootstraps, find some motivation and do what you need to do to get where you want to be than you deserve to feel down. Get over yourself. You didn't become morbidly obese overnight and you damn sure won't see the 100's overnight and your diet is SO not helping you get there. You can run on the treadmill until you turn blue in the face but if you keep taking in more calories than your expending, you'll always be round".

Am I the only one that has these conversations with themselves? I feel crazy for even asking. Sure other people get frustrated with themselves and go back and forth rationalizing wrongs and giving themselves pep-talks but I think I may take it to another level. I just can't understand why I can't seem to get it right. Just reading this as I'm typing it I can see that what I need is "balance".


Balance has always been an issue with me. I started this blog in hopes that I would stay motivated and it would keep me accountable to myself and whomever I should meet out there in blog-land. Well, at first I was blogging everyday and even twice per day. But somehow that got down to me being lucky if I was even blogging once a week. See what I mean? Balance, I need balance.


I have some really good food days where I stick to the script and eat only meats and veggies. I don't mind working out. In fact, I love it. At times, I can work out everyday and follow the diet but as soon as I have one slip up, I'm back to the races. My binges are usually followed with severe guilt and promises to myself that I'll get it together, I'll change, I'll stay away from people, places and things that drive me to eat. But....

Wait a minute... I sound like a damn "foodaholic". Then again, I guess that's what I am. How can things that taste so good to me be so bad for me? Why is it that others can eat whatever they want and gain nothing yet, I have one weekend where I have two normal dinners and all of my handwork for the week is undone. Why me???
     
But then I hear a voice that asks, "why not you?" Why can't I get through this? I know I haven't been the best Christian lately BUT one thing I know for sure is that ALL things are truly possible through Christ. My prayer is that I will earnestly, wholeheartedly bring Him into this journey and in fact, ask Him to lead me. I can't do this alone. I'm very unsuccessful like a fat hamster running fast as she can on a wheel but only managing to go in circles (literally and metaphorically, LOL). Seriously though, I don't want to seek the Lord on a regular basis just for this but I do believe He's allowed me to fail so miserably at this to call to my attention to the fact that I can't do anything without him.


I get the point, Lord but please help your fat child down here.


I know this post is all over the place. I had no idea where I was going with it when I started. My vow renewal is October 18th (a little over a month away) and I am only 4 lbs closer to my 30lb weight loss goal. I'm considering going back to the weight loss doctor and taking his crazy appetite suppressants just to look good in my dress but there may not even be enough time for that. I lost 14lbs in 2 weeks before without exercise so imagine what I could do running on top of that.

I'm not too sure about making it to the gym today. I've been having really bad body aches. It started in my knees and radiated to my back, legs, wrists ankles and even my eyeballs hurt. I've been really tired and just weak. I'm sort of thinking its more of a matter of me being stressed about this journey than it is of me hurting myself with all the impact of running. But I have a Dr's. appointment on Thursday so I'll let her tell me what's wrong with me and steer clear of Web MD. Regardless of how I feel, I'll be back in the gym tomorrow as I haven't been there since Friday and NEED to get at least 3 runs in per week to prepare for the 5K (October 2nd). If I'm feeling up to it, I'll try to knock out level 2 of Jillian Michael's "30 Day Shred" but I'm not making myself any promises. 

I'm depressed. I shouldn't be. Everyone has their struggles. I know its okay to feel however I feel but I don't want to allow these feelings to consume me so much that they become physical ailments. I have to make some choices and some changes or October 18th will come and I'll look like a whale on my beach wedding...


Thanks for listening....